Hello, I'm Blivious O

Wall of text...POWER!!!!

I've been singing all my life. This whole time I've also been on a constant journey to improve my voice. I have a natural ear for music that kind of defies what many people understand. I hear harmonies in my head even without music playing, and I can write melodies or incredibly odd harmonies in seconds without even thinking...when I write melodies I turn off my brain and somehow end up almost instantly coming up with 2 to 3 melodies to edit and splice. I can come up with parts for any instrument, save guitar, because my brain just can't figure out the underlying logic of guitar chords...I get chords on piano, but guitar just is weird...I like it this way though, because it forces me to need someone else to actually write a song, which I think is perfect. I also write pretty good lyrics as well, and I have a great sense for song structuring.

Now that I've patted myself on the back with my now dislocated shoulder, my big reason for joining us to get feedback and maybe help some others too. I've worked very hard to recognize my own flaws, take ownership of them, and then do everything I can to either fix said flaw or maybe set it in a more proper and healthy context to maybe transform my perception of it being a flaw to begin with. The strongest people embrace their weaknesses and can thus craft those seemingly inferior traits into positives. I've been alone pretty much my whole life, so that's why I've worked so hard to achieve that mentality...I want to constantly grow as a human being, and facing yourself head on without shame or regret always seemed like the best way to do that to me. But anyways, I'd like some feedback or criticism. I want to grow more as a singer. But I really hate when someone blatantly and cavalierly seems to just be trying to shatter my confidence...like this one guy who (even though I told I'd been on stage and recorded in my lifetime) decided to ask me if I'd ever recorded my singing and listened to it, because, somehow, (which I still can't understand how) he said that every single note I sang was flat...I was improvising an r and b sort of melody for some music he wrote, and it was my very first attempt also. Not to mention that it was my first time doing anything in music in 5 years due to my band of like 8 years turning on me and kicking me out because I was "crazy"...I actually just ended up getting the girl my drummer apparently had a thing for, and my guitarist had been jealous of me since we formed the band...I know this because of all the weird comments he (and the rest of them occasionally as well) would make to me always diminishing my role in the music writing process...they also would demand I sing things I didn't feel comfortable singing, and they played so loud that I had to scream and ended up butchering my voice for a few years until I stopped. It was a terrible situation for me, both because of self made choices (I felt like I had to grind my voice in order to sound more powerful...the constant forced screaming ended up giving me constant sinus infections and it destroyed my accuracy...but those are back now praise god), and because of the people I was working with...it was my first real band though, and we did a lot of fun shows, and it is how I learned to be a great frontman...so when I got kicked out it devastated me...(plus my living situation sucked/sucks, and my life has not had any real joy in it...it's been filled with abuse, neglect, and too many bouts with suicide, plus one almost too close to successful suicide...so Yea...). Anyways, so that guy knew I was kinda fragile and was wanting some help getting back into the groove of things, and plus, I had sat for 3 hours listening to his music and telling him my thoughts on it, which was almost all positive. Yet, I'm given one attempt to write a unique melody to something I'd heard twice, and when I did, he completely trashes everything I did and then brings my music credibility into question by condescendingly asking if I had ever actually listened to my voice on a recording (which he knew I had because I brought it up at least 5 times...). After he told me ever single note I sang was flat and I thanked him for what I at first thought was genuine criticism, he started acting super weird. He suddenly had to go pick someone up or something, so he told me I needed to leave immediately...it's like me singing made him become super stand offish...I still don't quite get it. Anyways, that comment DEVASTATED me for months...I would spend hours singing into tuners and recording myself over a song playing, so I could see how flat I was. While these exercises have ended up helping me out...it turned out that every note I sing ISN'T flat...but I can't see why that guy would tell me it is...

Deactivating text wall power...


  • highmtnhighmtn Administrator, Moderator, Enrolled, Pro, 3.0 Streaming Posts: 15,357

    Yes, we can get into some questionable situations sometimes in the music "business" where some individuals feel they must bestow upon us their knowledge of just how wrong they think we really are, without regard to how we might feel about their delivery of same.

    Combine that with living circumstances that turn into being cast aside, and that can be a very difficult time to get past.

    I hope you are at a point where you are regrouping yourself and finding new musical friends to align yourself with.

    Sounds like you have resolved for yourself the question of whether or not you are singing flat and ready to move on to bigger, better, and more pleasant times, both musically and in life in general, as well.

    Don't let mean-spirited criticisms bring you down. And don't let ANYTHING make you question whether life is worth continued living. Yes, we all get sad or into miserable situations, but that just means that from this point forward, things WILL get better eventually if we just point ourselves in the right direction.

    Don't let musical bullies who think of themselves as experts cast doubts upon your self-worth. Gather your thoughts and find others who have respect for their fellow human beings. Better days lie ahead for you!

    All the Best!

  • BliviousOBliviousO Member Posts: 8
    Thanks buddy, I really appreciate the words of encouragement. I'd like to assure you that I have no plans on ending my life, nor do I even have the slightest desire. I've been through a lot while not going anywhere in my life...hell, I've even died, left my body, then got shoved back in...but that's another story for another day. Suffice to say, I've tried the death route and found not even that could end my journey. Anyways...in all honesty, I'm usually a very confident person. I doubt you care about my life story, even though when people are they end up not believing me...my life has kind of...been terrible and strange, to say the least. What I'm trying to eventually get to is, I don't really have any friends any more, and it's been that way for a good 3 to 4 years. What's more, I still live with my abusive and manipulative family, who have used me as their scapegoat for a good 28 years. At least I don't see my sister though, since she has had an obsession/hatred for me that began the moment I was born...she tried to kill me when I was really young by telling me I could fly and convincing me to jump off my roof...my mom did something right though and stopped it before I was a bloody baby mess. So, my sister set about the task of completely destroying my life, ensuring I was tortured throughout my school years, molesting me, then convincing my parents that I was a problem child and causing fights just to watch me get the beating...oh, and I was pretty much deaf for at least a good year or so before the age of 3, which I of course was also punished for, because my mother found it annoying that I would continuously have to say, "what?"...anyways, this plus way way way more ended up ruining my childhood...I've been alone my entire life, to the point that I don't even have a single connection from my past...luckily, I have always been fascinated by the concept of love, and just how amazing and all encompassing it is...this plus the fact that I just somehow understand people and life innately, which has always made me a natural counselor to those I care for(yes, I know that sounds stupid, but it's true...even counselors think I'm just full of myself and delusional, but after a few sessions of talking to them as an equal, and at times even correcting them((the last one I saw tried to tell me that narcissists only love themselves, but that's not true at all...they hate themselves, thus the entire reason they have created a false self to admire and admonish)), they end up ditching me because it's very unnerving for them, which I can understand, but I don't know how to really not be myself...), I think both those things saved me from developing a personality disorder. I actually, despite all the reasons I shouldn't, really love who I am and what I'm capable of...I enjoy making mistakes and growing as a person, and I hope to someday change the world through music...I want to show people that love still is the most powerful and beautiful concept on this earth, and that no matter what you feel you might be, you deserve to love yourself and be loved by others. I want to help people become more aware of themselves, and through that they become more aware of others. I want to do all I can to combat and prevent child abuse and neglect, even though they have become staples of Americana. I want everyone to know that they are important and that the single most amazing characteristic of humans is their incredible and profound ability to change...if you don't like who you are, you can change, and you have that RIGHT as a human being. Nobody is useless, and everyone has a purpose in society...it's all if our responsibilities to do all we can to better our society and world and not selfishly destroy all around us. I know it sounds ridiculous, idealistic, and a fools errand, but I know that I have the talent as a songwriter, singer, lyricist, and frontman to accomplish my deluded dream...I also know that I have the desire and knowledge to maybe help many other kids like me who wake up every day alone, without love, in a hopeless and never changing situation in which they are repeatedly rendered helpless and void of any worth. I've known what I must accomplish since I was a very little kid...before I could even write lyrics...

    Oh, I would like to say though, that while I am mostly alone (I have a fiancee that is incredibly sick, but I love her dearly...she can't really be there for me too often at this time though...) I'm never really lonely. OK, so I know this is going to come off as utter lunacy, but due to the amount of abuse and neglect I experienced as a child, I developed something called Dissociative Identity Disorder...or better known as multiple personality disorder. It sounds crazy, but it is real...I'm lucky in that my alters tend to work very well together, and they also provide me with fresh perspectives and angles that I wouldn't ever think about without them...they literally have saved my life, and are the reason I don't just have a broken personality...I have numerous fully realized selves that each is unique and essential to my survival as a child...so...I at least have people to talk to when I need to...but friends with dedicated bodies would be nice.

    Another essay, but this time the contents might be disputed or scoffed at...hmmmm, we shall see. I honestly don't tell anyone about my "disorder"...but I think I just wanted someone to know or care...I'll probably wake up tomorrow and really question what I was thinking when writing this...
  • highmtnhighmtn Administrator, Moderator, Enrolled, Pro, 3.0 Streaming Posts: 15,357
  • BliviousOBliviousO Member Posts: 8
    I realized that might have come across to others as rather self glorifying and narcissistic, and it's kind of been bothering me. I guess since I don't talk to many people, I have built up a lot of things I'd like to express to someone else, so when I initially begin to meet people now I have trouble not exploding with too much information about myself which, among other things, can make me come across as a very self centered and egotistical person. It's something I kinda recently realized fully and need to work on about myself. I think I just have a strong desire to validate myself in liking who I am, so I shove too much info at people and then expect them to take time and effort to read a wall of text written by someone all about themselves. In my efforts to be accepted, I sometimes (many times) am too honest about events in my life or what I see as good traits I have, and end up giving way too much information without any context. There's no, for lack of a better word, foreplay...just a heap of words and an expectation that someone should care about a stranger writing endlessly about how great he thinks he is yet how nobody loves him and he's just always been a cast aside victim. That's definitely not a great first impression I don't think.

    Now, maybe I'm way over thinking this...nowadays I have trouble NOT over thinking things...I have a lot of alone time with little to do...while this has always given me ample time for self analysis and healthy reflection on past events, it also gives me too much time to think about how others may have interpreted things I've written...in person, I'm great with people (well, depending sometimes, but I think the majority of the time), but through text or the internet, I often worry if I'll be misinterpreted or something else negative...I think it might have something to do with growing up in a place where my words have always been twisted to fit the needs of others.

    Either way, if it did come off as egotistical or narcissistic, or if I just over thought it, I still think my tendency to introduce myself in such a manner is not q healthy way to go about meeting people and forming healthy and mutual relationships with others. I am earlier said that I just know things...but even with all my supposed knowledge and what not, I still made a complete fool of myself and ended up doing exactly what I didn't want. I did more in the way of pushing others away from myself than I did in drawing anyone in.

    I just wanted to apologize for earlier, whether it bothered you or not, because I don't think exploding on others is a proper or healthy way of making friends.

    Also, just so you know...for all the talent I say I have, and all the things I say I know, I have actually accomplished literally NOTHING! For all I say I'll accomplish, the farthest I've ever come to "changing the world" is playing a show in Austin (I live around Dallas). I'm a high school drop out who got his GED and always sucked in school. If I'm really as gifted as I say I am, than I'm a massive bag of wasted potential. I know this. I know I have a lot of work to do. I know that if I want to help people and make this world a better place, I have a gargantuan amount of work and a very uncertain and often abandoned road ahead of me. I know that I must always be willing to learn, even from those who might hurt me or even hate me. And I also know that I will never achieve what I desire to without the help of countless other people. One thing I enjoy more than just about anything else is getting to know people and learning about them and their perspectives...yet I've cut myself off for the past 5 years, all the while saying that I will still accomplish something. I've stayed in a horrid situation because of some deep seeded fear of...something...I don't even know...I fear what I could be maybe? I really don't know yet...but I have a lot of work I must do, and I have to actually do it. There are things I MUST do, and I can't keep hoping I'll will them into happening. I wrote a song a long time ago that I find still applies to me after all these years...so I'll end this stupidly long (again...) post with those lyrics...I personally really enjoy them. Oh, and I figured that if you were willing to put up with my last posts, than a long post explaining and apologizing for said prior posts wouldn't be too big a deal. Actually, I'll just post the song...and another one that I actually loved...they're from like 8 years ago, and I no longer scream, but they are a good example of my voice...they were recorded as complete single run through with no editing of numerous takes and no auto tune or fancy stuff like that...the guitars are out of tune kinda often, but the singing is good in my opinion...I'll post the lyrics later, since I don't have them on my phone and I think I'm pretty easy to understand. I know I go flat occasionally, especially in The Dream is Over, but I don't think it's bad for being a singular take without editing.

    The Calling

    The Kindness of Media

    The Dream is Over

    I would love feedback on both the singing and lyrics, whether it be constructive criticism or praise, I appreciate it all. Also, these were written an sung when I was between 18 and 20, and I'm 28 now. My voice is more versatile than back then, and I rarely scream like I love to do in those past recordings. I also smoke cigarettes though, and I must quit because I can't lose my voice...anyways, hope you find enjoyment from those few tracks, and also for taking the time to actually read my "novellas".
  • highmtnhighmtn Administrator, Moderator, Enrolled, Pro, 3.0 Streaming Posts: 15,357

    I enjoyed your tunes. They are well-recorded and your voice is decent to listen to. I'm kind of multitasking tonight, with way too much to do, so I'm not trying to follow the lyrics, but I am catching some good lines here and there. I wouldn't mind seeing them written out.

    Give up those cigarettes when you get inspired to do so. It's hard to do, but if you don't, pretty soon it will be much later than when you should have accomplished that.

  • BliviousOBliviousO Member Posts: 8
    OK, here are those lyrics...


    Oh bleeding saint
    I’ve heard your call
    But still I run away

    The call to stand
    While still I crawl
    And mingle in my pain

    I’ve heard the cries
    I’ve learned your tune
    Yet still can’t block it out

    The wind it brings
    A chilling cold
    That splinters in my thoughts

    So tell me why
    Why am I called
    I’m nothing but a child

    My mind, it still
    Clings to the past
    And hides out all the while

    This destiny
    What is this call
    I’m of no use to gods

    The fairytales
    I hear from men
    They cradle me to fall

    The sky is dark
    And clouds are black
    The storm is coming soon

    Yet how will I
    Be heard through this
    If I still cling to ruin

    I know no lord
    I see no savior
    I fear what I could be

    But still I feel
    A pulling towards
    Some fruitless destiny

    I’m left with a choice
    To stand through the storm
    Or simply wash away

    And honestly
    I don’t know how
    I’ll answer on that day

    The Kindness of Media

    We’ve taught you how to be alone
    Told you how to live on the fly
    Showed you all you need to survive
    Gave you examples, models to live by
    And while your parents left you unattended
    We quickly stepped in, so fast you could taste it
    From television to the toys you played with
    We always were there, molding your essence

    Look back and see the good we’ve done
    The towering buildings, the blocking of sun
    The burning hot concrete where your children run
    It’s all our creation, a synthesized fun

    You grew and learned from the morals we set
    You took it all in, mind numb to effect
    And you ate from our table, we lived side by side
    We taught you denials and ways to hide
    We were always above you
    Puppeteering your moves
    And you looked to us for guidance
    Letting us form your rules

    Look back and see the wonders we made
    The thunderous sounds, the billions we paid
    The millions of pavements and sidewalks we laid
    For your entertainment, a quick easy trade

    Look at how we’ve taught your daughter
    To lie and pretend to be someone other
    To prance about in the best of fashion
    To learn to love without the passion

    And look at what we’ve taught your son
    He’s grown up hard, but oh so strong
    His heart’s of steel, his mind a rock
    But he’s adored throughout the block

    Look back and see the horror you crave
    The rivers and forests you asked us to pave
    The millions of people who’ll never be saved
    All for your enjoyment, we knowingly gave

    The Dream is Over

    The dream is over
    The stars they’ve fallen down
    The dream is over
    And all you see around
    The fear of another
    The fear of yourself
    The ways of the mind
    The ways of the soul
    The fighting for freedom
    To stay in your cage
    The dream is over
    There’s nothing to say

    The sky has turned to dust
    As the seas they burn to touch
    And the fires of many
    Are saving the world
    In a selfless encounter
    To hold out the sword

    The dream is over
    You’re tears have fallen now
    The dream is over
    You’re life forever bound
    The heart of another
    The heart of yourself
    The wars of the mind
    The wars of the soul
    The freedom to fight
    Released from your cage
    The dream is over
    There’s more to be said

    The sky has turned to dust
    As the seas burn to the touch
    And the fires of many
    Are saving the world
    In a selfless encounter
    The hold back the sword

    The ground is now shaking
    From valley to creek
    The rivers run rampant
    Along your cold feet
    And as you belong
    To the wind’s only song
    You fly forth to seek
    The strength in the meek

    The dream is over
    The safety shattered now

    Thank you for the feedback, I really appreciate it.
  • highmtnhighmtn Administrator, Moderator, Enrolled, Pro, 3.0 Streaming Posts: 15,357
    Your lyrical skills are strong. Thematically they seem a bit dark. Do you any songs that are a little more uplifting or hopeful?
  • BliviousOBliviousO Member Posts: 8
    Thank you very much for the compliment. Yes, much of what I've written is dark...though I will say that I like to put a bit of hope in many of my songs, such as one about someone who basically has multiple personalities, and at least one is a serial killer. The man is cognizant of his horrible actions, yet lacks any control over them. He goes to numerous places in efforts to somehow repent for his deeds, yet is turned away with disgust every time. He eventually builds up the strength to kill himself, but right before he can, another alter (another term for personality when talking about multiple personality disorder) takes control and basically asserts complete dominance over their body. Thus, he continues to kill many many others before his eventual death. Now, I bet that sounds about as dark as it gets...BUT, at the very end of the song, it's implied that despite his actions, he was finally forgiven for what he did. I think there's a small bit of hope in granting someone so unwillingly awful peace...after all, just as it is with law, INTENT is one of, if not THE, most important factor to consider when deciding their guilt or innocence.

    I guess that really didn't help my case in trying to make my lyrics seem more cheerful. Granted, it's hard to be uplifting when in my situation...but I'll see what I have that's more positive.

    To tell the truth, I haven't written anything new in over 5 years...I really need to start again...I think I could write something more positive at this time.
  • BliviousOBliviousO Member Posts: 8
    Oh, also, a better example would be the song I wrote about my suicide. Yea, really dark topic, but at the very end I make sure to explain the wonders of life and how amazing life can be when you try to appreciate it. That, I think, is a very hopeful and uplifting message...to write about something very real yet rarely focused on but making sure to mention how it was faced and overcome, not blocked out and avoided to just sit and fester...kind of implying that perceptions can be changed, and life is all about perception. So, that's hopeful, isn't it?
  • BliviousOBliviousO Member Posts: 8
    OK, I found something. It's kind of a 2 part thing...you'll get it when you read it (or them actually)...


    What do I dream
    A dream of peace
    A dream of love
    A selfish dream to serve myself
    And leave all my beloved

    And what is this I see
    A subservient monstrosity
    That haunts me as I linger
    In the depths of the night

    And I won't deny I'm scared
    Or say I've somehow won
    Again I'm sitting huddled
    In my single cornered haven

    And I wish to try and fight
    Tell myself it's only right
    But my body shakes a shivers
    And my threats cannot deliver

    You see this thing is crushing me
    And seeping in my wounds
    But I sit here safely in my corner
    Scared of all that moves

    But now is time to face my fear
    This undeniable feeling
    I'll stand and fight
    While knowing that there's but a tint of light

    Hello my old friend mirror
    It's been a rather long time

    Part 2

    Broken Glass

    Once afraid to see myself
    A hapless soulless monster
    I see the mirror on my wall
    And watch the image falter

    The grips of pain that held me in
    Have vanished with my death
    And in it I have found new life
    A life forever blessed

    The shackles caused by memories
    Of follies past and gone
    Have now been broken, severed
    I now see what I shall not become

    The monster in the mirror
    Shall be vanquished just as night
    Is forced away from eyesight
    With the coming of the light

    So now my old friend mirror
    I know I’ve won this fight
    Through truth I’ve found a path of strength
    To end this menacing plight

    Free now, I’m surrounded
    By the things that haunted me
    Shattered into minute shards
    Of things I now refuse to be

    This battle that consumed my soul
    And twisted my reality
    Is at an end and now I see
    The path to make me whole

    Now my one true enemy
    The glass that haunts my dreams
    I’ve shattered you and now my life
    Shall finally begin

    I think those, when put together, could be pretty uplifting...I mean, the concept of seeing yourself in a false and terrible way and then finding strength to face it and shatter that false perception is quite uplifting in my opinion, and not a topic commomly taken on in any real depth.
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